Sunday, 31 October 2010

Whats Pissed Me Off Today

Imagine for a second that at any point in any day, you can be just going about your life when suddenly from above you hear a cacophony of what sounds like A concrete slab being bitch slapped by a sledgehammer, an active bowling lane and an excessively popular half pipe skate ramp. This is life with my neighbours.

Before you continue, bear in mind I'm on the first floor, my door is opposite the security door and the path leads past my window, so there is actually a reason i've seen enough to deduce the following, I'm not just a bit stalky.

From what I KNOW as fact, there are 4 of them. This is completely open to debate as from the day I moved in here 6 years ago they have been doing work on their flat, and I have seen at least 8 different people going in and out of that place regularly. I think the record in one go was 12. It really does seem as though they're building a new partition room every other day to move in another relative, or they have about 4 flats between them and rotate who stays where. The daughter I actually feel sorry for. She looks about 15, always looks kinda miserable, never see her coming in or going out with any friends, plenty of times carrying bags and bags of shopping and that's it. She goes to school and she does to the shopping, and something about her whole demeanor just gives my a strange feeling that she's being given a very sheltered life but sees no escape in it, or at very least no point in fighting it., But I don't know these people. it's none of my business and I have no facts to go on so not really anything to do with me.

The father looks to be in his 40's and seems like any other bloke really. Will give you a nod passing in the hallway but no real conversation from him,. The mother/grandmother (I have no idea which, she looks about 70!) who rarely leaves the flat. never without male escort, won't answer the door or the security buzzer unless her husband is home and if you ever do run into her, she looks pissed off someone saw her, like she was hoping life wouldn't notice she stowed away on board.

Then we have the little shit.
The point of this post.

Their youngest seems to think every day must be greeted with a scream, and filled with seeing how resistant the wooden flooring is to his feet. If it feels so inclined it will open the window and start firing a water pistol at everyone who passes by. I don't know if he has a skateboard or just a wheeled office chair up there but by the gods of fuckmonger if it ain't the most fun thing in the world to ride back and forwards across one room all day. Honestly, I once made a mental note of start and end times, it went on for a little over 3 hours. I'm working on the assumption that he has no hands and instead must balance anything he carries on his shoulders, explaining the necessity to constantly stop stomping about to turn around and stomp back to collect whatever the little dickhead dropped this time, before continuing his ever so important journey up and down one single room. Even the timing of the little hell-shite is perfect. It starts at just about the same time of morning that I tend to spend sleeping for another hour in the room above my bedroom, has a brief ceasefire long enough for me to have a shower, and by the time I'm in the front room with a cuppa tea, he's obviously in his front room with a fucking gattling gun and a whole platoon of Charlie to take out.

One day I'm gonna stop the dad in the hallway and ask him "Can you jsut stick your head round the door of my flat for a minute and look at something for me?" then when I have him in there, say nothing. Just stand and wait. Let him hear how fucking loud his demon spawn is then point out I have that to listen to for approximately 14 hours a day if I'm at home.

Now I understand kids make noise, run about, play and have fun. I accept this. I do not condone it for children are irritating little shitbags who are a nuisance and inconvenience to everybody which I for one am fucking fed up of having to make allowances for (Oh you decided to spawn did you, good for fucking you, but if you cant raise a kid that gets out of my fucking way when I'm trying to get on a train, or leave a shop, you people wait at the back of the queue. Just cos you have a fucking kid why should it interfere with my day - but that's a rant for another entry).

Surely even the simplest minded people know that if you live above someone, they are likely to hear you from time to time. If you have wooden floors, this will increase the effect. If you have children to mix with said wooden floors it's apocalyptic. When I was growing up my old dear would go fucking mental if she thought I was making enough noise to disturb the neighbours, and my friends who grew up in flats were always told to think of the people downstairs, dont walk round the house in shoes etc. I would have thought at some point one of the parents might have knocked the same downtrodden discipline and sense of unimportance into their little cunt of a son that they appear to have done to his elder sister.

Then again I'm talking about people who i've seen walk up to the security door as a lady with 5 bags of shopping was struggling to open it, pull it open, stroll straight past her in single file (there were 7 of them at the time) and let it close behind them. I think she said it best when I then went and opened the door for her:

"Some arseholes learn manners and become people"

Sunday, 24 October 2010

10 Things I Will Eradicate When I Control the World

- Children in public
- Anyone who reads any publication in the ilk of  "Heat"
- Cricket
- Democracy (bit of a given if I control everything)
- Religion
- The concept of American English - you can't speak a language improperly then call it one of it's own
- Traffic wardens. This is how I will keep the hearts and minds of the people
- Fast food places
- Privatisation of banking
- X-Factor

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Something that ISN'T shite!!!

Just felt I had to share these in gratitude of whoever the fuck I was talking to for getting involved in the joke for 2 minutes last night

Friday, 1 October 2010

My Latest Annoyance...

The combination of my brian and my ipod. I'm a little bored of the music I have and need suggestions: - Rock, Alternative, Motown, Blues, basically anything except Jazz, rap, r'n'b and hip-hop.

Fuck Fucking Fridays

After waking up at 7, a joy everyone holds dear to their heart I'm sure, my entire journey to work was made even more face-punchingly frustrating by my old dear's insistance on listening to Capital radio every fucking morning. Now Johnny Vaughan is a person I kind of like, but am not quite sure why - probably like most people - especially because he is without doubt the most irritating cunt you could have to deal with first thing in the morning. The ongoing "banter" (please read that as pointless, unhumoured droning) between him and those little shitbags in JLS is enough to make a grown man cry. Or at least enough to make me want to smash the face in on every fucking person we go past.

Apparantly the new big thing is they have their own range of condoms out called Just Love Safe (JLS gettit? Wonder how big a team of 10 year olds they needed to work that one out?. I wasn't listening enough to find out why in god's name they think this is something they need to do, but I can only imagine that putting their fucking picture on the box will give the message "Look what might happen if you don't use contraception", in which case i'll be wearing one for every wank from now on, just to be on the safe side.

How is it possible for people like this to be able to harness such public adoration when the few who do still bother to attempt to enlighten our society are shunned? Wait, that's right, reality tv.

Anyway with the journey here somehow survived by both myself and the members of the public I encountered along the way (Quick note to the fella in the red jacket this morning, I still think you're mother is more proud of her STD collection and am glad I took the opportunity to tell you as much) I get to the office to find the most amazing piece of parking I have ever seen. Really, I might go down there in a bit and take a photo. I don't drive but even I know the idea of a parking space is to have one line equally spaced on either side of your car, not one fucking wheel evenly spaced either side of the lines. So a quick note scribbled on the windshield to the degree of "learn to park you fuckwit" shoudl hopefully at least let them know how much of a dick they are.

Now all that awaits is another 7 hours of the most mundanem pointless and unrewarding work I have ever had to endure. I think I'm gonna be fucking off early today just because, well bollocks to the NHS and all the idiots who're dragging her down.

Will have another few words to say later today I'm sure as my last 2 days have been spent in progressive fury at how difficult it is to find a decent film or tv show anymore.

Until then here's a picture of a kitten. I hope it does more for you than it does me, as I'm currenlty imagining the little fucker on a barbecue.